UK life: It’s worse than we thought

After three years spent working in Thailand, a large reason I was so looking forward to returning home was the chance to drive again; to experience the simple pleasure of taking a small car to the limits of its grip through winding little villages, which pass as colourful fixtures through the side windows. Sadly, however, this did not come to pass.

I now realise I have no valid driving license.

I had applied for my card to be replaced back in October 2012, but the big building in Swansea that laminates such things had, for whatever reason, been unable to post my new card. Never mind, I thought; how hard can it be to send a replacement? After all, the small shops in Bangkok’s Khao San Road area can produce them for less that five quid, and have them ready in a few minutes. Besides, I can supply my name, address, contact information, driving license number, driver number, favourite pet’s name, favourite Spice Girl, sexual orientation, top ten movies, my most important role model of the 20th century, my mother’s maiden name, my desert island disc list, the original date of application and all the other essentials that are necessary for call centre staff to press buttons and locate a record, much as we did on BBC Micros at school, aged six or so.

“Computa ses ‘no.’ “

Apparently, because I had waited so patiently for them to send the card in the first place, I now must pay a fee of twenty pounds and complete an entirely new application. The exact response was, “Apologies but I am not able to issue another to you or arrange to have one sent.” You can arrange to accept a telephone payment of twenty pounds, but the DVLA is not able to ship a DVLA card from the part of the DVLA that makes DVLA cards in the DVLA building? Are you for fucking real?

My mother suggested that in order to save hassle, I just call them back and agree to pay the fine, but something about this has laced the venom of assumed nonchalance deep into the sinews and fibre of my blackened and vicious being, which is now crackling with utter truculence. I need to pay twenty pounds because YOU have not posted my card? NO! This is not right, and I refuse to lay down and sit happily whilst the DVL-to-the-A casually deliver a colonoscopy to my rear end, as they go about searching for spare change down the back of my sofa-shaped ass. This is the only situation in life, surely, where one must recompense another party for their own feeble disinterest.

I have now, at great personal expense in terms of time, taken the trouble to print a letter (their on-line complaints link resulting in a somewhat predictable loop-de-loop ‘page not found’ temporal distortion in my browser) and affix a postage stamp, as one was once accustomed to doing.

My fond hope now of course is that ‘Carole Evans, Customer Services Manager’ is an actual human, rather than a code-word for a department of knuckle-dragging Hays Recruitment office temps killing time before they go busking around France.

Had this been a single occurrence during my three week stay in the UK, it could have been taken in isolation as part of our (as in, the British) pre-ordained acceptance of everything being grey, droopy and rubbish.

Alas, it was not.

Similarly annoying, though of slightly less inconvenience, was my attempt to change a small number of Indian Rupees into coin of the commonwealth. Thomas Cook, a long-established leader in selling two-star package holidays to the working class, in their vast experience in the sector, could not help; their company rulebook simply noted that unless I had purchased the foreign currency from them in the first place, that there was a good chance that the money was counterfeit. Obviously, only a tour operator of Thomas Cook’s towering reputation has the capital to acquire real foreign funds. Shit! How did they know I had printed my own? Barclays were not of any help either. Things looked good after a smile from the branch managing MILF, who then returned with that typically British “Keep Calm, look at shoes and apologise” methodology that lost us the colonies in the first place.

A visit yesterday to Johnsons the Cleaners in Blaby prompted a similarly fizzing “I’m Zeus, the lightning-bolt-throwing motherfucking God of everything, for fuck sake” response; I asked politely if the man behind the counter could clean my suede coat, only to be quoted “three weeks and fifty-one pounds.” The most annoying thing was when the guy causally explained that the company that actually cleans their materials only picks up from the shop once a week, which would be Friday.

I’m sorry, did I miss something whilst I was away? Did it suddenly become acceptable for us to get gang-raped in the ass, pay for the privilege and apologise to the store clerk for causing them so much inconvenience with our enquiry? 

We’re so accustomed to receiving crap service in the UK, and accepting of the fact that prices always go up, that we are now conditioned to challenging and unnecessary facets of day-to-day life as being utterly acceptable. I do not agree, and I would urge anyone else who has a shred of respect for themselves to throw lightning bolts too, the next time some GCSE-equipped store-monkey looks at you, smiles and says, ‘no, sorry.”

It’s just not good enough.

2012 in review

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2012 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

600 people reached the top of Mt. Everest in 2012. This blog got about 4,600 views in 2012. If every person who reached the top of Mt. Everest viewed this blog, it would have taken 8 years to get that many views.

Click here to see the complete report.

Doi Chaang Coffee; the pioneers of “Beyond Fair Trade” in Thailand

John Darch is an entrepreneur coffee trader who established Doi Chaang Coffee Company in Canada. He works in partnership with farmers in the Doi Chaang village in Thailand, where he has developed the concept for Beyond Fair Trade; a system where coffee growers own 50% of the coffee retail operation.  

To read the full interview with John Darch coffee trader please click here

What is the background of Doi Chaang Coffee Company?

Doi Chaang village is a small community in the North-west of Thailand; it is an area which lacked the support of government or even a basic infrastructure until recent years. In 1983, His Royal Highness the King of Thailand visited the remote village and gave the farmers some imported Arabica coffee plants. It was an attempt to lure the growers away from the lucrative but damaging profession of cultivating opiates. Today, opium growing in Thailand has all but been eradicated, yet the Doi Chaang village thrives under self-sufficiency. It is result of tireless initial work on the part of Doi Chaang village representative, Khun Wicha Promyong, in partnership with myself.

 

How did you get involved with selling coffee?

I was developing Thailand’s first potash mine, so one day Sandra (Bunmusik, now General Manager at Doi Chaang) came to me and said, you must meet this gentleman; he is doing wonderful things for people who make coffee. I didn’t even know anything about coffee! I met with him out of politeness, but I was overwhelmed by the commitment that I saw. That’s how it started.

 

How does the partnership with the Doi Chaang villagers work?

Doi Chaang Village is located in the mountainous region of the Chang Rai Province of Northern Thailand. The village is home to the Akha hill tribe which cultivates and processes the coffee. The Doi Chaang Coffee Company is a unique partnership between the Akha hill tribe of Doi Chaang Village and my small Canadian coffee distributor, Doi Chaang Coffee Co. The Thai families cultivate and process the beans, while the Canadian firm finances, roasts, markets and distributes the coffee. The Thai farmers own 50% of the joint venture, so they not only receive a better-than-fair-trade price for their beans, but they also receive a significant share (50%) of the organisation’s overall profit. This is the essence of our company’s trademarked mantra; going ‘Beyond Fair Trade.

 

Is this different to having Fair Trade Certification?

We believe that The Fair Trade Organisation has done a wonderful job in terms of raising public awareness about the need for a decent and reasonable deal for growers. But the minimum prices specified to be paid for the coffee beans is essentially like specifying a basic living allowance; it does little to break the cycle of poverty for many coffee farmers. With a total volume of 1700 tonnes a year, we are both a high-end gourmet producer and a role model for sustainability. With annual improvements in cultivation and with more areas planted and developing, the Thai farmers are hoping to be able to build up to a gross of 5500 tonnes over the next half a decade.

 

What makes Thailand a good place to grow coffee?

Thailand is a good country for growing a great number of things. The growing altitude ranges from 1200 to 1600m above sea level, with the harvesting taking place between November and March. When we first tried to take the idea of gourmet Thai coffee to other territories, it was a tough sell. We presented the product to roasters in Canada, but they simply refused to believe that the high-quality bean we were showing them was from Thailand. Despite the difficulties, I pressed on because I believed in the concept and I supported the purpose; those were always the two key elements for me. So we looked at ways we could increase the quality of the product yet further, and consequently, increase the benefits the villagers enjoyed from the sale. It’s fairly simple to me. If the farmers make more money, then they work hard to improve the quality of their product, and then look at ways to increase net yields, so it is win-win. This is why we consider ourselves to be a leader in terms of establishing a viable, profitable and renewable model for sustainability.

What is your company’s most famous product?

Here in Thailand, the company is most famous for Doi Chaang Civet, or ‘Kopi Luwak’; a bean which has been passed through the digestive tract of wild civet. Ripe coffee cherries are consumed by the animals which roam freely through Doi Chaang village. The cherries are then fermented in the animal’s stomach, giving this coffee its distinctively intense taste. My son, also named John, or John Lek (Thai for ‘small’), playfully refers to it as “Crapachino!”

 

What does the future hold for Doi Chaang Coffee?

Once the demand for this coffee increases, the farmers will be very much part of that growth. Until you establish a brand which is recognised internationally, there is no demand other than for your green beans. So the surplus green beans are sold domestically. Right now, we have more demand for our Doi Chaang product than the green beans can support. In Thailand, our total sales are 200 tonnes of premium grade. This year, we have about 200 tonnes in Canada, and next year, we will sell 400-500 tonnes of premium coffee in Canada. We can only sell what we have. Korea asks us for 100 tonnes, but we can give them only 22 tonnes because we spare some for Japan, for Singapore, for Malaysia. We are waiting for the additional growing capacity to come on-line.

 

What is it like working in the coffee industry?

It was a painful process, learning about coffee for me! I don’t deal with the mechanics of coffee production, so I treat it like mining. I just believe in the purpose, and so I have people around me who are experts and specialists. Young John, for example, did the design of the bag and logo and we get a lot of compliments, so he deals with a lot of marketing and brand communication. We are incredibly proud of what we have achieved through working with the Doi Chaang community.

Performing under pressure

March Niyomsuk is a professional MC working in South-east Asia, and is based in Bangkok. His experience with high value productions and television has made him one of the most highly regarded MCs in Thailand.

To read the full interview with March Niyomsuk professional MC, please click here

What made you decide or choose to get into this sort of career?

When I was young, about 12 years ago, I started off as a school’s representative engaging in a speech contest. I practiced so-called ‘public speaking’ for approximately three hours a day with my personal tutor. Basically, this school activity was an eye-opening experience for me as it was the very first time that I got to learn many interesting and special techniques about giving effective speeches, as well as to ‘apprentice’ myself on presentation tips. At first, I didn’t like it that much because I had to memorise long articles! However, my perception was changed when I became the winner of Thailand’s ‘The King’s Speech’ contest in 1997; I did not look back as I realized this is probably something I could do well. After I finished high school, I continued to practice public speaking and participated in a number of related activities that the university provided. Thus far, it can be said that I have been involved in public speaking as an MC for more than 15 years.

 

Do you have a standard day or a standard type of `exercise’?

Not really. I just like to keep myself updated with information, trends and the like. Well, I also read a lot of newspaper and listen to the radio regularly.

 

 

What is the most common type of problem/call-out/enquiry to which you must attend?

As for being the emcee, I have to be ready for any changes in the script. That is a must!

 

What do you like most about the job?

I quite like the freedom of being an emcee. For me, I occasionally work as a musical performer as well. Thus, comparing these two, being the emcee has much more freedom because, despite the script, I am still able to speak with my own style, in the way in which I prefer. Whilst being the musical performer, I am much more restricted by the role, basically.

 

What do you like least about the job?

Ha..Ha. This might sound funny. But seriously! Sometimes I would want to wear those black silk slim-fitted suits from Versace but the organiser would ask me to just wear some regular suits from the sponsor! You have to go with whatever makes the sponsor happy under most conditions!

 

 

What are the key responsibilities?

Say it right, report the truth and be there on time!

 

What about academic requirements? Any formal demands, eg- A Levels?

I think that depends on the events. Anyway, a normal bachelor degree is sufficient in South-east Asia; it is the standard grade upon leaving university in Thailand.

 

What is the starting salary, and how does this increase over time with promotion?

It depends on the job and also the types of ceremony. I personally categorise them into 3 groups; 1). Emcee as a host of a TV programme 2). Emcee for an event and 3). Emcee for the formal ceremony such as wedding. Each job has its own pay standard, with TV and large corporate events usually the most significant in terms of pay.

 

What advice do you have for someone who is looking to get into this as a career?

In order to develop a career as an emcee, I have 5 suggestions. 1. Make sure you have good pronunciation 2. You must be quick and flexible on stage. That simply means you always have to be ready for any changes and learn to become good at solving unpredictable problems. 3. You must constantly keep yourself updated about the latest trends; read many books, magazines or listen to the news so that your creative elements as well as your knowledge are always fresh. 4. Make sure you have got some improvisation skills. This is one of the most important keys to success for this career. When things go wrong, you still have to lead the event, presenting important and necessary information without leaving the stage with the so-called ‘dead air’ for more than 10 seconds. 5. To keep yourself up to a suitable professional standard, you should arrive at the event early; at least 45 minutes before the meeting time, so you have chance to read or finalise the script.

 

What are the most important qualities an applicant must and should possess?

The most important qualities are speaking with a “beautiful voice” and possessing correct pronunciation; also having good eye contact and a smart posture.

Driving Vivaldi Public Relations, SE Asia’s fastest growing PR company

Joseph Henry is the director and co-founder of Vivaldi Public Relations, one of Thailand’s most prominent PR agencies and one of the fastest growing communications and media management agencies in South-east Asia.

To read the full interview with Joseph Henry, Director of Vivaldi Public Relations, please click here

What made you decide or choose to get into this sort of career?

Around 1997, I was at a crossroads in my life. I worked as both a marketing manager and then as director in two very different sectors; jewellery and IT. After the Dot Com crash, I began to examine which potential jobs would become most worthwhile, and I very much liked PR and advertising. I met the CEO of a renowned advertising agency who thought I had leadership potential, and I saw around me talented people in advertising in every work discipline, from creative roles to accounts – very brilliant people. I discovered that I had a passion and talent for working in communications, and at that time, the PR and communications sector in Asia was at a younger stage of development. I figured that if I got in early with PR, then it would surely grow. It proved to be correct; from 2000 – 2004, I went from client service director to managing director, then the owner of my own PR company, Vivaldi Public Relations, which is now one of Thailand’s most prominent PR agencies. It is still growing faster than comparable advertising companies; clients now largely understand that a capable PR agency can deliver better value than straightforward advertising expenditure.

 

What is the most common type of problem/call-out/enquiry to which you must attend?

As the company owner, the big challenge is finding talent, recruiting and retention; finding good people who are bi-lingual (in English and Thai). I also need to consider how to make the job interesting and satisfying for the staff as the industry has many opportunities and it is straightforward for them to move to another firm. I try and offer a great company with growth opportunities for our team. We enjoy decent retention; our company has been in business for eight years, and some of our staff have been with us for six. One team member left us to try roles in three other companies before coming back! She missed it a lot. The other main issue is in managing and exceeding expectations for clients – ‘relationship’ is the key. This has a lot to do with achieving great results and understanding their experience as CEOs in their own company. One of our big strengths is in fast turnaround – really being able to exceed expectations with press releases, delivering media strategies, etcetera.

 

 

What do you like most about the job?

It is fun and satisfying working with the media. Good relationships let you receive tremendous support for activities and initiatives – but you must also understand they have a job to do; understand their pressures and objectives. It’s a great business which you appreciate when you receive publicity for clients, and that is very enjoyable. We have a wide variety of interesting clients.

 

What do you like least about the job?

The challenges revolve around serious deadlines which must be met every day. Clients are under pressure to deliver media value in an appropriate time frame; the trick is balancing their needs with those of your media partners. You’re constantly walking a tightrope in making the whole thing work. Also, looking for good talent is expensive and time consuming. In many cases, this makes our job all the more challenging.

 

What about academic requirements? Any formal demands, eg- A Levels?

I would say the minimum is a bachelor degree – this is what we look for in all staff we consider recruiting, so I guess it would be appropriate that the company director or owner would be similarly qualified at least. In Thailand, that would be a degree in communications or marketing. A journalism degree is also acceptable because as PR consultants we are writing and working within the media. This degree shows an understanding of the media landscape and also of writing capability. A marketing degree is more appropriate to the company owner. People can come from entirely different backgrounds as they decide to start their own PR company for different reasons.

 

What advice do you have for someone who is looking to get into this as a career?

Well, the best advice would be to do an internship (we are always looking for interns!). In many cases, our interns have gone on to enjoy successful careers. At least the last three! We’re very proud of our Vivaldi alumni! You really have to be flexible not rigid, adaptable to different situations; clients wishes change based on feedback from their approval committee, whatever that may be. We make changes and try to be very patient – and all this with a good attitude. That’s not always easy. I strongly recommend people take good care of their health, so make sure you exercise and have a balanced life. This enables you to make decisions with a clear mind. I am heavy on fitness and high pressure work, charity and meditation. That covers the spiritual and emotional elements, and solidifies my relationships outside of work.

 

 

What are the most important qualities an applicant must and should possess?

People skills, positive attitude, empathy, analytical mind, understanding of needs; and by people skills, I mean it is about more than being friendly – you need high energy, the ability to handle difficult clients, and the basics of good writing and verbal communication.

 

Any closing questions, comments or additional advice?

I’ve said a lot about the technical skills, but in the long run it’s about relationships and reputation. If you want to have a successful PR company, then you need to have integrity, honesty and a good long term strategy for managing relationships and trust. Your business will prosper over the years, as it takes time to build trust and respect in the business community – then you can go home and sleep peacefully.

It’s okay, I’m an ornithologist

Jerry Jennings is a leading ornithological expert and owner of Emerald Forest Bird Gardens in California, USA. Jerry’s interest in toucans eventually led him to visit Central and South America, where he decided to open a second sanctuary dedicated to this unusual creature. He is also the founder of the American Federation of Aviculture.

To read the full interview with Jerry Jennings ornithologist, click here

 

What made you decide or choose to get into this sort of career?

A love of birds and wildlife. A desire to travel, see far-off lands, organise field trips and be considered an expert at the top of my game; also, the desire for a considerable international reputation (which I feel like I have achieved now, after many years of dedicated care work with toucans). Also, the chance to CARE about the animals I love, and to work in a specialised field of zoology where I can apply my skills and knowledge, help people learn about these wonderful animals, and take supervision for the husbandry of species under our care.

 

Do you have a standard day or a standard type of `exercise’?

Every day is different but it starts with checking emails and responding to telephone inquiries; it’s a business in that respect and needs to be managed as such. Then we check the birds, handle the staff rotas and allocate the feeders for taking care of the babies, and so forth.

 

What is the most common type of problem/call-out/enquiry to which you must attend?

There is no one type of common problem.  For the most part, things run very smoothly because we have an excellent and highly dedicated staff.

 

What do you like most about the job?

The opportunity to be my own boss; to be outdoors a good part of the day and to travel extensively to the Neo Tropics to study the very same species in the wild, from which I garner new ideas on how to manage the bird collection here in California.

 

What do you like least about the job?

Nothing. I love what I do.

 

 

What are the key responsibilities?

I travel a lot and take part in field studies, which of course involves a lot of pre-trip preparation. Then of course there is the reporting, the actual study and photography as a result of field activities – all of this gives me new ways in which I can manage my own collection of birds at Emerald Forest. Feeding and care for animals (husbandry) takes a lot of time and effort, but we have a great staff who are almost autonomous. The can deal with most things themselves, although sometimes there will be issues come up; vetinary complications, for example.

 

What about academic requirements? Any formal demands, eg- A Levels?

Yes, there are a few different paths to entering zoology under a specific sub-topic, and most are relatively open. Anyone thinking of doing this from a young (ish) age should be thinking about focusing on biology, animal behaviour, ecology, geography, or even a PhD in ornithology, depending on the area where they are based. I’m in the US, so with some thinking outside the box, there are different ways to get to where you want to be, even if you have not directly studied the care of birds. There’s a lot of space in there for finding your own path.

 

What is the starting salary, and how does this increase over time with promotion?

You will be unlikely to get rich doing this; estimate around $30,000 (about £19,260), and pad it out with seminars, consultation work and published papers. Or photography, if you have the time and inclination to learn it.

 

 

What advice do you have for someone who is looking to get into this as a career?

Be patient and only do it because you enjoy it.

 

What are the most important qualities an applicant must and should possess?

Just be yourself and commit yourself to an unending path of learning and improvement. Also, develop a deep appreciation of the people you work with, understand their strengths and weakness and encourage their personal development also. You are a team.

 

Any closing questions or comments?

Be prepared to travel a lot. Like, almost every month. I’m just on my way to Peru for three weeks on Friday of this week – again . . .

In other developments . . .

Ricky Salmon is Managing Director at Big Fish Media, and an experienced newsreader with BBC2. He can also be heard regularly as the voice for an “on hold” news service for BMW, Vodafone, Mercedes Benz and Carphone Warehouse.

 

To read the full interview with Ricky Salmon newsreader, please click here.

 

 

What made you decide or choose to get into this sort of career?

A love of radio. A joy of receiving information and entertainment in audio format, and having the listener form their own creative space based on how they interpret what you say. Radio is a great escape for a huge number of people, and continues to remain popular even though we now live in a truly digital age.

 

Do you have a standard day or a standard type of `exercise’?

I don’t do vocal exercises – perhaps I should! Other than that, it’s a case of understanding the producer’s instructions, timetable (i.e.- the show’s structure, or running order) and the script where there is one. Typically for news you will be reading from a script, but for bridging work, it’s a little more ad hoc and improvisational.

 

What is the most common type of problem/call-out/enquiry to which you must attend?

Issues with computers not working properly. I guess Gremlins in the machine can occur with any piece of electronic equipment; obviously recording live makes this much more of an issue. As an artist, you have to be ready to adapt and overcome any problems – this is mainly the producer’s job, but you need to remember you are supporting a professional team in an environment which is quickly evolving.

 

What do you like most about the job?

Working with my childhood radio heroes (Tony Blackburn, Janice Long, Paul Gambaccini, Steve Wright, etc).

 

What do you like least about the job?

Night shifts. To be fair, this is just par for the course. If you can’t handle late night time slots or VERY early mornings, this is probably not the job for you. You will quickly learn to manage your time and sleep patterns to accommodate the work, and simply put, there is no other way around this.

 

What are the key responsibilities?

Main jobs include researching for reports and features, writing the script and then, of course, actually reading the news bulletins. Beginning newsreaders often forget that they will have heavy involvement in the preparation of material, and even in cases where everything has been prepared for you by a research team, you should know the material inside out so you don’t lumber through it uncomfortably. Also, if you lose your place, knowing the script and background story well will help you to recover (almost) seamlessly.

 

 

What is the starting salary, and how does this increase over time with promotion?

To gain experience you may have to volunteer to write or read news on a local community radio station or hospital radio. Starting salaries in a professional role are around £13K in commercial radio, £25K in BBC local radio, and £40K for national radio.

 

What advice do you have for someone who is looking to get into this as a career?

Always give your best – you never know who is listening.

 

What are the most important qualities an applicant must and should possess?

A great voice, good communication skills and a love of shift work.

 

Any closing questions, comments or additional advice?

As there is no formal career structure, you can never know where your career as a radio newsreader will take you.